What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 16:01
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was 9 years of age.
Who then, do I blame.?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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When she asked me how she looked .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Can I bring a tub of whey protein to the airport?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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So whats the point in blame.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But ive been too sick for many years..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Who is the dumbest law enforcement officer you have ever encountered?
Would this be the day?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
If you have curly hair, when should you brush it?
I couldn’t, believe it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
This is soul school!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I have no regrets .
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My life is so biszare .
What did i know ?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Put me off passion for life!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was very sick at this time too.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i lived it daily.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He resisted the act ,that day.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot live in the past .
All the time i was locked up.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I think the readers, may guess!
But, we were locked up after school.
She wouldn,t have been !
It was going to be , some day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ive learnt so much.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I waited trembling.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We all went to grammer schools
Especially a lifetime of it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was scared of men, in general
My family never makes their pension either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I said to her
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But it wasn’t much.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was seconnd youngest,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She was in good health!
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Comes on , in middle age.
Im still living with it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She married twice! .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She loved him until the end.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So, i spoilt her more .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He knew the spot.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We were not on the streets..
I will be 64.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She found it foreign!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.